Guess what Mom’s putting in the stockings this year!
Would you like to play along?
Each Christmas I get a stocking from my mother. They keep coming, despite the fact that I’m, ahem, in my 30s. If it sounds like I’m complaining, consider this: Two years ago I didn’t receive a stocking. I chalked it up to my mom finally taking notice of my advanced age. Or maybe it was due to her advanced age. Either way, I accepted that all things must pass. That is, until I heard that both my older and younger sisters HAD received the traditional stocking. As the middle child, I immediately recognized this for what it was: yet another unambiguous signal that I am unloved and unwanted!
In our next conversation, I demanded an explanation. Why didn’t I get a stocking? Will I ever be loved?! Oh, she had excuses—some may say good excuses—but I put on an extra heavy layer of guilt trip. Suffice it to say that I can expect a stocking from Mommy until I’m well into my 60s.
Why is THE STOCKING so important to me? My sisters and I so look forward to comparing notes on the oddities contained within its velvety folds. (Yes, I know that sounds erotic.)
Me: “Did you get 7 glitter pencils? And an eyeglass repair kit?”
Sister #1: “No, but I did get dental floss and two toothbrushes, the extra hard variety. Is she trying to tell me something?”
Me: “Probably. Last year I got weight loss gum.”
Sister #2: “Then what does this Billy Graham pamphlet mean? Am I going to hell?”
Now my husband also has the pleasure of receiving a stocking. He receives dominos rather frequently, and more “chocolate flavored” candy than seems reasonable for a diabetic.
So here are 10 predictions for this year’s stocking:
1. Erasers, the kind that fit atop your pencil
2. Day planner with “uplifting” or “spiritual” sayings
3. Pez dispenser
4. Keychain with unknown character or smiling animal on it
5. Packet of push-pins
6. Carefree gum, spearmint flavor
7. Bobby pins
8. Generic unflavored lip balm
9. Something with “anti-bacterial” in its name
10. And, of course, an eyeglass repair kit
Dark horse bonus: Size C batteries
I’ll update with a complete inventory once I’ve received the stocking. Leave a comment with your predictions….
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7 comments:
First of all, as a fellow middle child I feel you deserve one of the following to make up for last year:
1) Two stockings
2) One double-sized stocking
3) One normal-sized stocking filled with items that have double the value of items in your siblings' stockings.
4) A pony
Now, onto my predictions. This year you will receive:
-A pink hairbrush with the image of a unicorn on the handle
-Two tubes of Chapstick
-A 2"x2" picture frame containing a temporary display photo of a small, smiling Asian boy
-Nail clippers on a metal chain
-One jar of strawberry preserves or apple butter
-One of those plastic toys that feature a small, metal ball that you have to navigate through a maze (just for fun!)
-One orange
Good luck getting your fair share this year. And good luck to me.
I say any gift is better than a visit!
i call them "CHALKlates"! mmmmmmmmmm. shit, your mom is trying to kill me.
I've got my fingers crossed for either some Kirk Cameron-approved leaflets, or trail mix, heavy on the raisins.
By the way, funniest blog ever!
Those hard little discs that, once they get wet, unfold into utterly impractical handtowels slightly thicker than tissue paper. They may have a picture on them of a clown, or a duckie holding an umbrella.
Palmer's chocolates, probably something with crisped rice.
A sewing kit with four colors of thread on four needles, two clear buttons, and a tiny scissors which bends apart as soon as you put your fingers in it.
A plastic, miniaturized version of some kitchen gadget that breaks upon first use (that is, the testing of it before actual first use). Or possibly a refrigerator magnet of a plastic miniaturized gadget, from which the magnet will immediately separate due to cheap glue used sparingly.
A rubber stamp, also with duckie and umbrella (a hot theme among tchotchkes).
A palm-sized snow globe with something inside so malformed and carelessly painted that everyone who sees it has a different interpretation of what it's supposed to be.
A pack of three toothpick holders (one each red, white, and blue) with dangerous pressed-sawdust toothpicks.
That "toy" where you pull the trigger and a little plastic Christmas tree spins and splits open to reveal Santa standing inside, maybe with sparks. (Nah, that's too good. Scratch that one.)
A dog-eared Jack Chick tract.
But mainly, you know what will be in that stocking? Could it be...
Love?
How the hell should I know? Sounds like probably just a bunch of useless crap.
1) Misc. foil wrapped candy of unknown flavor
2) Mink oil shoe polish kit (a favorite of vegetarians-esp. useful for pleather boots)
3) Uber-religious cards from various relatives
4) One plastic under-bed storage bag
5) One peach terry cloth headband "you can use when you're washing your face"
6) One picture frame with the word MEOW on top (without a photo of a small, smiling Asian cat)
7) One woven-look notepad
8) One Good Housekeeping approved night light
9) Two ponytail holders from the "Hippie Chic Collection"
10) Last, but never least, one eyeglass repair kit
Most surprisingly absent this year:
1) Whimsical writing implements
2) M & M-esque candies in a large plastic cane that is cracked
3) The retractable clothes line...I only have two now instead of three
4) Daily planner from either the bank or the insurance company
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