From wonkette.com
Friday, December 09, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Taking stock
Guess what Mom’s putting in the stockings this year!
Would you like to play along?
Each Christmas I get a stocking from my mother. They keep coming, despite the fact that I’m, ahem, in my 30s. If it sounds like I’m complaining, consider this: Two years ago I didn’t receive a stocking. I chalked it up to my mom finally taking notice of my advanced age. Or maybe it was due to her advanced age. Either way, I accepted that all things must pass. That is, until I heard that both my older and younger sisters HAD received the traditional stocking. As the middle child, I immediately recognized this for what it was: yet another unambiguous signal that I am unloved and unwanted!
In our next conversation, I demanded an explanation. Why didn’t I get a stocking? Will I ever be loved?! Oh, she had excuses—some may say good excuses—but I put on an extra heavy layer of guilt trip. Suffice it to say that I can expect a stocking from Mommy until I’m well into my 60s.
Why is THE STOCKING so important to me? My sisters and I so look forward to comparing notes on the oddities contained within its velvety folds. (Yes, I know that sounds erotic.)
Me: “Did you get 7 glitter pencils? And an eyeglass repair kit?”
Sister #1: “No, but I did get dental floss and two toothbrushes, the extra hard variety. Is she trying to tell me something?”
Me: “Probably. Last year I got weight loss gum.”
Sister #2: “Then what does this Billy Graham pamphlet mean? Am I going to hell?”
Now my husband also has the pleasure of receiving a stocking. He receives dominos rather frequently, and more “chocolate flavored” candy than seems reasonable for a diabetic.
So here are 10 predictions for this year’s stocking:
1. Erasers, the kind that fit atop your pencil
2. Day planner with “uplifting” or “spiritual” sayings
3. Pez dispenser
4. Keychain with unknown character or smiling animal on it
5. Packet of push-pins
6. Carefree gum, spearmint flavor
7. Bobby pins
8. Generic unflavored lip balm
9. Something with “anti-bacterial” in its name
10. And, of course, an eyeglass repair kit
Dark horse bonus: Size C batteries
I’ll update with a complete inventory once I’ve received the stocking. Leave a comment with your predictions….
Would you like to play along?
Each Christmas I get a stocking from my mother. They keep coming, despite the fact that I’m, ahem, in my 30s. If it sounds like I’m complaining, consider this: Two years ago I didn’t receive a stocking. I chalked it up to my mom finally taking notice of my advanced age. Or maybe it was due to her advanced age. Either way, I accepted that all things must pass. That is, until I heard that both my older and younger sisters HAD received the traditional stocking. As the middle child, I immediately recognized this for what it was: yet another unambiguous signal that I am unloved and unwanted!
In our next conversation, I demanded an explanation. Why didn’t I get a stocking? Will I ever be loved?! Oh, she had excuses—some may say good excuses—but I put on an extra heavy layer of guilt trip. Suffice it to say that I can expect a stocking from Mommy until I’m well into my 60s.
Why is THE STOCKING so important to me? My sisters and I so look forward to comparing notes on the oddities contained within its velvety folds. (Yes, I know that sounds erotic.)
Me: “Did you get 7 glitter pencils? And an eyeglass repair kit?”
Sister #1: “No, but I did get dental floss and two toothbrushes, the extra hard variety. Is she trying to tell me something?”
Me: “Probably. Last year I got weight loss gum.”
Sister #2: “Then what does this Billy Graham pamphlet mean? Am I going to hell?”
Now my husband also has the pleasure of receiving a stocking. He receives dominos rather frequently, and more “chocolate flavored” candy than seems reasonable for a diabetic.
So here are 10 predictions for this year’s stocking:
1. Erasers, the kind that fit atop your pencil
2. Day planner with “uplifting” or “spiritual” sayings
3. Pez dispenser
4. Keychain with unknown character or smiling animal on it
5. Packet of push-pins
6. Carefree gum, spearmint flavor
7. Bobby pins
8. Generic unflavored lip balm
9. Something with “anti-bacterial” in its name
10. And, of course, an eyeglass repair kit
Dark horse bonus: Size C batteries
I’ll update with a complete inventory once I’ve received the stocking. Leave a comment with your predictions….
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Pope may abolish concept of limbo
This is certainly a conundrum. What about all those babies currently in limbo? Where will they go? Will the Pope create another yet-to-be-named holding area for these not-so-innocents? We can't send them to heaven unbaptized and dilute the stock of angels that deserve to be there. Is this a merely a power play, Pope vs. God? I can't wait to see how this plays out!
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